As the backstory of my life begins to unfold – I want to invite you to walk with me through the testimony of what I call the “front life.” It is my hope and prayers that as you walk with me for a while through my Journey? You will find things that connect for you, lift you up and assist you as you walk through your own healing journey. The Bible tells us that we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony (Revelation 12:11) so, let us overcome together.
What I am about to share is what led up to “Ground Zero” of a moment when I gave up on God. I do not want pity, nor do I want to complain but am posting this so you can get a background of what led up to the discovery of SRA-DID – the root cause of the relentless trauma-drama.
To begin, it is my nature to be as drama free as possible. I NEED quiet moments, love to laugh, love it more when others laugh with me. I enjoy a good cup of coffee with something yummy on the side. It doesn’t take much to make me happy. That said – the never-ending trauma shatters my soul. My handlers know that about me . . .
Prior to my encounter with Jesus Christ, I was an entertainer, Shakesperian actress, did some main-stage theatre, a few commercials, voice overs, worked radio, costume design, special FX makeup, and even street performance. I had been all over the country, I had worked in the fashion industry, I built sets, and designed costumes and trained traveling entertainers (comedy, mime, characters, balloon art, etc) for one of the biggest nightclub corporations in the 1980s. I worked Bourbon Street as a Mime. I worked conventions in Las Vegas – demonstrating everything from vitamins to automobiles.
It was 1985 – I had my heart broken yet again by another handler. I was living in Vegas, and was almost two years into a relationship when I found out that as this man was proposing marriage to me? He was already married and living a double life. Most of those two years of our relationship we worked together building close to a million dollars in Real Estate (equity). When I learned of his duplicity, I was devastated – so broken at yet another FALSE proposal of love.
(I understand now that my handlers would never allow anything else).
Brokenhearted, I did something radical. All alone on Christmas Eve, I went to a local church, sat in the back, and asked the Lord to help. Interestingly, a week later, found myself back in my hometown (Chicago), when a childhood friend invited me to a small baptist church in Evanston. I stuck out like a sore thumb – makeup, high heeled blue patent leather boots,and a fur coat – but hey, I thought people got dressed up to go to church, LOL. I was so uncomfortable – I squirmed in my seat, trying desperately to grasp what was going on.
My stomach rumbled as I waited politely for it end – when they passed out communion, the hunger pangs made the cracker and grape juice look like feast!🙂 As the people around me stared at me? I could feel their condemnation. In fact, one individual leaned over my friend to tell me I was “eating and drinking to my own damnation” Whatever! I ignored her as I was hungry, in more ways then I even understood.
Immediately, the room fell away, and it was just Jesus. I FELT His love for me, I knew how much I needed to change the way I had been living. I started to weep, and was inconsolable. I wept before the Lord for the next week. This was not due to a sermon, this was not due to a tract, it was the POWER of God that came over my heart.
Two weeks later I counseled with a Pastor who placed before me a copy of the “Four Spiritual Laws” After a brief interview, the Pastor put it back in his pocket and told me that the work had already been done by Jesus Himself. He baptized me a month later,.
The Vegas handler kept calling me, vowing to leave his wife, and make me a very wealthy woman. I told him I already was, and it had nothing to do with money. I also told him I was not interested. He was amazed when I willingly signed over my equity in the houses we had acquired. I told him all I asked of him was to leave me alone.
He did not. Instead, he bought me a mansion, burned up my phone, begging me to return to Vegas. As he continued to stalk me? I ignored him. The last conversation I had with him? He told me that I was making a HUGE mistake. I told him that nothing was a bigger mistake then building a relationship on the ashes of his marriage.
That was the last I heard from him. (until I found out years later he worked for the Department of Homeland Security – called the Secret Service in those days).
So – what happens when a DID-SRA encounters the Holy Spirit? Well – first you cry your eyes out, repenting over and over again for the next YEAR. Although you know the encounter was real, that the finished work of the cross means you are forgiven – you are getting blasted with fear and accusation so severe that it wakes you up at 3am in a cold sweat remembering stuff you did when you were drinking 15years ago that you didn’t even remember the day after it happened. This goes on for over a year until you finally throw that yoke from your neck and find a way to believe that God remembers your sin no more. Then you get baptized in the Holy Spirit, and go on an 18 month Holy Spirit honeymoon. You immerse yourself in the Word, prayer and seeking the Lord on everything.
I threw myself into study – just so hungry to know everything I could about my Lord. Oddly enough, somebody gave me a Pastors Library – they had found it at a local garage sale and “thought” they should give it to me!. To this day, I still have many of those books and continue to spend much time searching out Strongs, Vines, Kittels, Dictionary’s, interliners, commentaries etc.
I spent hours and hours and hours studying, praying then studying more.
Now – the battle is on but I don’t care cuz I am in this amazing love relationship with the One who loved me enough to take on my sin and die for me. My heart is set on pleasing Him, so I keep feasting on the bread of life, I married my childhood sweetheart and get pregnant with my first child, went back into real estate and within one year, was invited to join the Million Dollar Realtor Club.
I am going to finish the rest of this post in second person – not because I am “switching” but because it helps to “see” it better.
So – what happens when you passionately love God – yet have a background of SRA-DID and the Lord reaches down into the muck and mire to pull you out?
You find yourself in an invisible WAR. You are not alone, but have NO CLUE what is going on or even how to pray against it. You are trying your heart out, yet walking through the enemy’s booby traps and land mines, dodging snipers and crying oceans of tears on a regular basis.
The first year of your marriage, you find yourself losing that pregnancy – which was no miscarriage but rather a stolen pregnancy, as the baby just disappeared, leaving the doctors mystified. You are so brokenhearted, you cry for days on end. Still recovering from that, you learn that you have stage 3 cervical cancer (most likely from all the sex rituals) but, the Lord heals you from it and a year later, you get pregnant with twins while keeping up with an million dollar Real Estate business.
You give birth (16lbs between the two of them, lol!) but keeping up with the workload is impossible – so you leave the business to take up your God given mandate as a mother to care for the twins. Although you know this is a major financial sacrifice, you believe that the Lord will bless you for taking care of his blessings TO you. You SO love those miracle babies with a passion, you cannot stand being away from them for the 60hour week that a career in Real Estate requires. .
So in Love with your Lord, your husband and your miracle babies, you keep feasting on the word, and in constant communion with your beloved Savior, even tho your husband, now suffering from severe panic attacks that no medicine can help, loses his job. The twins, now 18mos old – take unimaginable round the clock care.
However, now you are also the breadwinner cause he got fired from his job and is too sick to find another. As you take him from one hospital to another, drag your two-year old twins out in the middle of the night in below zero temperatures so you can throw newspapers.
You start a children’s entertainment company, so now during the summer, drag them into sweltering hot weather to perform at birthday parties and company picnics where you have been hired to entertain other peoples children, but can’t find a babysitter for your own. However you keep working, praying and taking care of everything from the house, to the yard to the bills, to the meals, a sick husband and the children . You are ALONE most of the time and so exhausted that you pay no attention to the missing time, missing money or the whole other list of freak disasters that keep happening on a regular basis.
But – you are still HUNGRY for the things of the Lord, so you keep studying, praying and working hard – your day starts at 2am and is over at 10:30pm day after day for several years, but you keep going because you believe that eventually it will turn around.
However, you remain hopeful – just trust God and work hard – you will overcome, right?
You return to school, but because you love God and because you are sickened by the atheistic dogma coming from the State Colleges? Now, you find yourself caught in their net of FAKE christian colleges but because still hungry to learn about the Lord and so passionate for what you think is “your calling” you think this is a really GOD thing. .
During this time, the hunger for the Lord drives you into doing enough credit hours to get a Masters in English Bible one summer in Israel. Leaving your now ten-year old children with their father for the first time EVER – you spend almost two months working your fingers to the bone during the day on archaeological digs in 110 degree heat, hiking through the insanity of Petra then studying into the late hours in order to ace an exam the next day before you fall into an exhausted coma at which time you get abducted and taken under the temple mount.
Yet – you don’t remember anything and think the bruises all over your thighs, hips and arms that look like everything from fingerprints to being hit by a softball, are from working on the dig (tells). It does not occur to you WHY the Mossad is following you everywhere you go. In fact, you don’t even know they are Mossad until years later. You think it is random even when one Sunday morning , a television film crew barges into the church to stick a camera in your face and film you while your arms are raised up in worship, tears rolling down your face. When 27 rolls of film from the entire summer come back from the photo dept with nothing on them? It never even occurs to you ask why.
When you arrive home, you find that your beloved husband’s panic attacks have become so severe that he is abusing massive quantities of alcohol and drugs and has basically murdered a years worth of your tightly budgeted finances – and now his drug dealers are trying to kidnap your kids. So – although it breaks your heart, you divorce him.
Ten years later they will beat him to death and call it a heart attack.
Now they want to hurt your precious children – you know,the ones you begged God for ten years ago? So – after you graduate with a 4.0, receiving only disrespect and a $50,000 school loan bill for all that hard work? Your grades have earned you a scholarship that is only a drop in the bucket when they nearly double the rates after you have moved across country to attend the MOST expensive CHRISTIAN grad school in Virginia. You are stuck with the decision as you had just packed your kids up, moved across country, pushed your way into a job as a Loan Officer, while attending grad school – while never dropping the commitment to get your children to their never-ending line up of sports and other events.
You begin to burn out – when you get horribly sick from a tick bite – doctors call you a liar as you are struggling to work at a very stressful job while battling fevers, swollen joints and a long list of other symptoms.
Then they burn your house down, kill your pets, but because you are in so exhausted from working around the clock in such horrible pain from the fibromylgia that you are already numb.
Then they STEAL your car saying you didn’t make payments that you did make – but because your house has been burned down, you are out of time, energy and records are in ashes.
So now you are homeless, and with no transportation and have lost your job – the only recourse available is to marry a a man who you have only been dating for a month. One week after this foolish decision, he becomes verbally and mentally abusive. However, you are working so hard and are so sick you barely notice – but just a few months, you find yourself pregnant, give birth to a downs syndrome child who almost doesn’t make it home from the hospital.
Once he figures out that he has you dependent upon him financially, he beats your 14 year old son to a pulp – but then the courts let him off and even blame you and your son for his abuse. Although he doesn’t touch your son again – this was permission to beat you too over the next seven years.
He gives nothing but takes everything while telling you that you that you are nothing but a burden to him.
He keeps you so broke, so traumatized all the time – thinking it is a way out – you sign up to finish your PHD, take out MORE school loans to support yourself and your now teenaged children. Furthermore, because you are now teaching as an assistant professor, you hope are that you will land a job teaching college and will pay them off then – except you got mysteriously blacklisted after giving countless hours of your professional services to America’s Premiere Freemason graduate school.
For the next two years, you try everything from starting a nonprofit to producing a film, while taking care of three rebellious teenagers and a very sick infant and a 3000sq ft house ALONE (again). He is never around most days and rarely on weekends. He fixes nothing – you remodel, repair and do all maintenance on a shoestring., You also find yourself working in his business- for free. However, while taking care of his business – you lose your momentum on your own start-up. The nonstop verbal, mental and physical and sexual abuse from him, and the cold disrespectful treatment shown by his older daughter and the in-laws is horrendous.
He doesn’t even find it necessary to put a wedding ring on your finger.
One morning, he beats you so bad that your hamstring shatters off the pelvic bone – the pain is so intense that you want to die – you get told by everyone around you that you are milking it for drugs, So, due to the accusations, not to mention the bizarre behavior of the doctors, you navigate life WITH the pain. Then you have to FORCE the doctors by threatening them with a lawsuit do an MRI to prove you are not faking it.
Nonetheless, the courts let him off for this one too.
Then they kill your beloved little brother who had been missing for seven years. When he FINALLY surfaced, He and his girlfriend had been assassinated classic CIA style. They were not discovered a week after their death – so decomposed that there was NO explanation. No investigation. HOW horrible.
Ten years later, his firstborn son and his grandson would die in a freak car accident.
In desperation, you call battered women shelters who refuse to help you as well. It seems as if the only alternative is to leave him and move home to Chicago where you find yourself homeless and living in an hotel-hell with your little girl as fallen angels, cosmic beings and the military pullout everything from microwaves to nanotech to plasma weapons to beat the snot out of you 24/7.
THEN? THEY put your son in prison for two years on trumped up charges.
Guess what? Now, you are not hungry anymore – in fact, you are skin and bones because you can’t keep your food down and are covered with painful sores. Also – you wondered why you were hungry in the first place – yet you muster what little faith you have left – go on a three day fast, while you croak out’help” and throw shoes at gray aliens coming through your window and choking you to death in your sleep.. You also ask the Lord for archangels and tell him that you are “not sure you love me anymore – but please don’t forget to remember me”.
Just when you think you might die? You get sent to Arkansas to be handled by Obama’s personal Bokor (Voodoo practitioner) who is conjuring every trick in the “book of voodoo,” calling up covens and just about every occult practice that exists. You are all alone, with this little disabled girl who needs care around the clock – sick, exhausted – and then menopause happens too.
When you try to tell your children about all this? They threaten to have you committed.
At this point, husband who has stolen/stashed every penny he can – even admits to assets held in an irrevocable trust fund held by his parents. He drags you across country to go to court to declare bankruptcy – dumps $300,000,of his own bills, but refuses to help you with the school loans that had benefited him too. So now between the interest and fees that have accumulated on those loans – you find yourself $300,000 debt, but can’t get SSI or even a disability deferment because all your medical records have been tampered, Not only that? You can’t get a job because of how bad you look on the credit report, your age, and now? You are ALSO over-qualified. Not only that? Everybody that should have nothing but respect for you – is calling you a loser, a liar and a parasite . . .
Now husband who knows he can cut you off because of how he has shrewdly manipulated his tax returns – you get handled into into returning to him. He buys you a wedding ring, promises you that it will all be different – so, for the sake of your youngest, decide to trust the Lord and return to him. As soon as you get back into the marriage – he starts right back treating you like a slave, hiding income, then cutting you off entirely. Not only that? You find out how badly he has manipulated your children too.
Then they start in on the grandchildren.
I will stop here. I hope you understand that this is not a rant, nor am I complaining.I certainly do not feel sorry for myself. I am simply recounting and organizing.
As I write this – It amazes me! I mean how did I NOT know? Seriously?
The journey is about, discovering the truth, finding the root, and partnering with the Lord to pull up the weeds so that I may bear “much fruit” for the Kingdom
I want to thank Daniel Duval and Bride ministries for turning the light on – it is delightful to watch the roaches scatter as I begin the long and arduous journey towards healing.
Better late than never.
I know this was a long post – so thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for joining me in the journey. It is good to have you with me. Thank you for your prayers, your words of encouragement and the hope. I appreciate each and every one of you – and pray for you too. The fellowship of the Saints is pleasing in His sight.
What a MIGHTY God we serve . . . He is Faithful or I would not be writing to you right now.
Blessings to you and Shalom.